Star Heck II: The Froth Of Kardygon
by Drassil
Summary: Written not long after Star Heck. An average day for Captain Jirk and his below average crew.


In unknown space, the original, newly defitted USS Boobyprize stalled.

"Ach, I'm sorry, Captain, the hamster wheel's got stuck again," Chief Engineer Snott called up through the gap in the ceiling.

"How long will it take to fix it?" asked Captain Jamie Jirk, who was in the process of stretching his shirt, which had shrunk in the wash.

"(2 times 4 is...)... About 8 hours, give or take."

"Mr. Spook, will that cause a problem?"

The Dullcan tapped a button labelled 'Beep' a few times, checked a large brown length of wood, and turned to Jirk. "According to my log, we're now due for either a ravaging space creature, or a test of human qualities by advanced but odd-looking aliens. I say we hang about here and do the repair and they can jolly well come to us for a change."

"Alright. Go down and assist Snotty... with repairs. And send up an attractive yeoman for me to raise my eyebrow at. Well hurry up." Lieutant Uhaira pointed out that _unattractive_ women never get parts anyway.

"Wait a minute," said Spook. Sixty seconds later he continued. "Captain, sensaws have picked up a ship approaching."

"I vish I could pick up girls that easily," muttered Ensign Chekup. "Got any spare hair gel, Ceptin?"

"There's some kept in, but you're not having it. We'd better find out who they are. Uhaira, open a channel to the ship." Jirk turned to her and indicated his organ of sight.

"Aye, Sir," responded Uhaira. She flicked a switch marked 'Bleeps', and announced, "Channel open. Ouch... Captain, I'm off to vomitbay - my déja vu just flared up again."

The viewscreen shimmered ostentatiously, and a hairy, angry face appeared. Like every alien, it looked human.

"Good day to you," said Jirk. "I'm sure you know me; doesn't everybody? Now, how many words in your name?"

"One."

"Only humans ever have two names. What does it begin with?"

"K."

"Ha! You've gotta be Klingoffs then!"

"Brilliant deduction, Captain. My name is Kardygon." A succession of other Klingoffs then paraded past the screen. "This is my crew: K'Nasta, K'Plunc, K'Mbuyar, Kight, Kofypot, Kaaparc, Kenul, Kust'd and Kim'Bli." Kardygon began frothing at the mouth. "There, that explains the title. Before I forget, we have orders to destroy you."

Jirk checked the 'In An Emergency' poster on the wall. "Close channel. Red alert!" Immediately, the small Lert which always sat on the railings of the bridge turned redder, and began whining loudly and intermittently.

"Captain, may I inform you that the Klingoffs are statistically very likely to blast the hell out of us in a violent and painful manner?"

"Yes, thank you, Spook. Evasive manoeuvres, Mr. Lulu."

Lulu undid his seatbelt, and dodging the other bridge officers, ran off the bridge, screaming. Spook took his station, and hummed over the Boobyprize's sound system as it eased away from the Klingoff ship (a nerd-of-prey).

Within seconds, the Klingoffs were gaining on the Boobyprize. "Snotty, we need Gawp Speed!" Jirk shouted through the floor. "Fix that wheel, now!"

Yanking his head out of the Engineering Drinks Cabinet, Snotty rolled over to the hamster wheel. "One chance left, me wee darling," he belched, as he held open the hamster's mouth, and dripped an alcoholic cocktail in. Soon the ship was moving off at Gawp speed. Jirk stuck his legs out and spun round gleefully in this chair, accidentally knocking the newly arrived yeoman across the bridge.

But five minutes later, panicked Scottish tones came up through the floor. "Ach, it's past its limits, I cannae controol it, it's about to blow, ooh noo!!! And the hamster's gone offline in a drunken stupor," said Snott, as he barrelled to the toilet. The Boobyprize's remaining power carried it into orbit around a bizarre spinning blue sphere with green bits on, where the Klingoffs soon caught up.

"Spook, weapons and shields status," inquired Jirk.

"We have three arrows left; shields are very rusty. We're going to get a right old thrashing, you know."

Suddenly, someone clashed a pair of cymbals, and three smug purple midgets in silvery robes appeared on the bridge. Spook ran forward to give them Dullcan swerve pinches, but one of them waved his hand; Chekup waved back; Spook hesitated a moment, then collapsed in quite unbelievable pain. Another of the intruders opened his mouth, and began to speak in a deep echoey voice through his foot.

"We are the Examiners. You know the score, Captain - we are all-powerful, but bored, nosey, and with no understanding of the qualities of species like yours. Therefore, we will proceed to test you and your crew."

Captain Jirk lost his temper. "For goodness' sake, you're the fifth this week! We've, had, enough!!!"

"W-well if that's how you feel, you can do a questionnaire instead."

"No!! Most of my crew is probably illiterate! Test someone else... like those Klingoffs over there!"

The three strange beings turned to each other and nodded. Then Jirk, Spook and McCow (who had been sitting on Jirk's shoulder chattering into his ear) watched as the Examiners did the same, and faded cheaply away, as did the nerd-of-prey.

"That was life, Jamie, not that we have it," noted Dr. McCow. "If you come to vomitbay now, Spook, Nurse Shrapnel will pierce your ears like you wanted."

As Lulu sneaked back onto the bridge, Jirk noticed a guy in a red shirt standing by the retrolift doors. "What are you still doing here?!" demanded Jirk. "The story's nearly over."

"Oh, sorry," said the crewman, and spontaneously combusted.

Jirk checked the list of catchphrases on the back of his hand. "Take us out, Mr. Lulu."

"I can't take you out, I'm washing my hair. How about tomorrow?" replied Lulu, as a massive evil spaceborne blob approached sensor range.

Fanfare. The End.


End file.
